Practice Nurturing for those Heavy Triggers Anna S 11 23 24

Video

Transcript

Anna: Where does it come from? Like this practice of nurturing yourself, where does it come from? Is it just to help the mind going to wholesome state?

Dhammarato: Well, I use the word nurturing in the sense of. Eric Byrne talked about the parent ego state and that he talks about it in the sense of the critical parent versus the nurturing parent. Now, the nurturing parent, I think that you understood, you’ve heard me talk about that when a mother gives birth to a child within a short period of time, an hour or so, when she receives a child after it’s had a bath and so has she, that they present the child to the mom. And that’s a moment of bonding. That’s the moment where the mother really takes the child. And that bonding, nurturing lasts for more than two years. I think, in fact, that when the child sees himself as separate from mom, that’s when mom also sees a child separate from her. They call it the terrible two. And that the first word that a child really learns in that regard is the word no.

Anna: Okay.

Dhammarato: All right. Which sets up a competition between him and his mom. And that’s when the mom’s way of doing it turns from nurturing to critical. And then she spends the rest of her days as that child is to try to teach him to become socialized, to come out of his arrogant little terrible twos, tyrant and. And become civilized. But she doesn’t do that by nurturing his two year old tyrant. She does that being critical. All right. And so the child misses that nurturing. We want to be loved, to be, well loved, no matter what. We want to be accepted whether we’re terrible or not. And so this is where Eric Byrne comes back in with that issue about we have to re. Nurture that a mother who will be nurturing to her child, the found will feel nurtured and loved for the rest of his life. But almost all of us, let us say, get out of balance and are overly critical and underly nurturing because we learn that from our mother. And so that’s how we behave to ourselves. Okay. And so you’ll have common language such as take care of yourself and that taking care of can be nurturing, or it can be taken care of also in a critical way, in the sense of watch out, do what you’re told to do. And then often we begin to care for objects and attach to those objects not in a nurturing way, but in a critical way in the sense of, oh, I can’t do without it.

Anna: Mm.

Dhammarato: All right. And so going back to the nurturing is the right way to do it. Is. And you heard me use a lot of language that, that has a nurturing quality to it. Like everything is okay. The kind of stuff that you would tell to an infant.

Anna: Yeah, it’s your baby. Okay.

Dhammarato: Yeah. Everything is all right. Not a problem. No worries. Everything is okay. So that would be nurturing language. Nothing to be afraid of. You’re okay. All right? And. And that’s also what we can call as acceptance or unconditional love. We need to con unconditionally love ourselves rather than the condition of which is also the. The critical. Now, in the Western world, they actually promote critical thinking.

Anna: Yeah.

Dhammarato: Rather than nurturing thinking. And so now that puts us really overboard. Now, what they mean by critical thinking is often used in the sense of you have to look. You have to look all the way through it. Okay. But the word critical is still criticism. And so we wind up criticizing that which we are critically thinking about.

Anna: Okay.

Dhammarato: Rather than all your spoofing me that you can, you can nurture the one who is spoofing you, you can tease them joyfully rather than, you dirty son of a gun, you’re trying to hoodwink me. You’re lying to me. Okay. Which is again, critical. And so we can actually practice that nurturing. And as you were saying, there’s some things that continue to trigger you. What that means is, is that they trigger your critical nature. And it’s actually not nature in real life. It’s actually just the normal way that we have been trained.

Anna: Yes.

Dhammarato: Okay, show. Let us redefine that in the sense of nurturing is more natural, but critical is the norm. That’s the normal. All right. And so there’s ways of retraining ourselves to be nurturing. Okay. You have now probably heard about when Metta meditation is taught in Vipassana, they teach it in the sense of don’t try to have metta for your worst enemy. Have metta for your close friend to have nurturing feelings towards your close friend. Because we will naturally be or normally be critical of our enemy.

Anna: Yeah, because it’s easier to have metta to our close friend.

Dhammarato: Right, Right. Okay. So in your case, now what we can do is we can actually practice thinking about those things that trigger you naturally start thinking about that which you would consider an enemy and have nurturing thoughts towards it. In other words, we’re going to start doing Annapadasati, having wholesome thoughts for those unwholesome things.

Anna: Yes.

Dhammarato: All right. And in fact, we have the. We have words like Mara or Devil and things like that. Okay. And also like the two year old tyrant, we can still nurture that tyrant. We can still nurture that critical part. We can nurture our enemy, but we have to practice doing that.

Anna: Okay.

Dhammarato: Okay. That’s the real meditation or the real practice that we have to have so that when we have gotten well practiced at nurturing our enemy, when he comes actually knocking on your door. Now with mindfulness, you have a choice. Am I going to nurture this guy or am I going to be critical of him? And now this, this enemy that you’re talking about could in fact be a husband, a boss, that little hooligan down the street, whoever it is that we normally have critical thoughts for. Then in fact, one of the things that you could do is make a list of all of the worst people in your life. Make a list of the things that you don’t like. Yeah. And try to generate practice. You can think of those things on that list with nurturing thoughts. Practice nurturing for those things that trigger you.

Anna: All right.

Dhammarato: So going back to the Metta, have learned to have not just metta for your friends, but also learn to have metta for your enemy or in the language we’re using, nurturing.

Anna: Yes. I think the, the thing I, I need to practice metta towards are not people. It’s mostly behaviors.

Dhammarato: Mm.

Anna: So.

Dhammarato: Well, yeah, that’s very Christian of you. They say love the or don’t hate the person, hate their behavior. Okay, okay.

Anna: They say that. Okay.

Dhammarato: Right, that’s, that’s something. Is that the Christians say that what’s. What, what is the devil is their behavior. But they’re. Okay. But in this case what we’re going to do, we’re actually going to say that, that what we’re calling bad behavior is actually normal. It’s okay. The only reason why that behavior is bad is because we’ve been critical of it in the past and now we can become nurturing towards it. Even let us use an example of loud or crude language. We don’t like loud or crude language. That’s what I was meaning by the terrible twos of the little tyrant. He’s saying no. And mom becomes critical of that. No, she becomes critical of that low class language. But here we’re going to practice nurturing it.

Anna: Well, this is really a mental gymnastic, right?

Dhammarato: Yes, it is. It takes Right. Noble effort.

Anna: Yes, yes, yes. But I, I need to find how to be nurturing because. Okay, let’s go to the point. Like what triggers me mostly is like arrogance and like arrogance in racism for Example really triggers me and I’m wondering how I can change the thought so, so that it become nurturing towards that, that behavior. I, I. Can you help me?

Dhammarato: Right. In a way, arrogance and racism are precisely the same thing.

Anna: Yeah, exactly.

Dhammarato: I’m better than you are, and now I can find the ways.

Anna: Yeah.

Dhammarato: If I find the ways being skin color, then we call it racist. But if we just say I’m better than you because I’m smarter than you are, then that’s arrogance.

Anna: Yes.

Dhammarato: Okay, guess what? Those little tyrants who do that just got away with it.

Anna: Sorry, I don’t get it.

Dhammarato: Yeah, they got away with it when they were little.

Anna: Yeah. Okay.

Dhammarato: And that here you are being critical of it because you don’t like it.

Anna: Yes.

Dhammarato: Instead of just saying, oh, right, I’ve seen that before. Been there, done that. Okay, so they’re arrogant, they’re racist, they’re critical of you. An example that I would use for my own past is when I was in high school. I ran across bullies with every new school that I went to. Well, guess what? I have, in a way, gotten used to the bullies.

Anna: Okay?

Dhammarato: So when somebody tries to bully now, I’ve been there, I’ve done that. I’ve been bullied before. I got over it. I can get over this one.

Anna: Yeah.

Dhammarato: Hey, he. I’ve even seen better bullies than you.

Anna: Yeah. Okay. Yeah. That’s a good way to see it.

Dhammarato: Yeah, I’ve been there, I’ve done that. Okay. This is actually coming from Sutta number 22, okay. Where the Buddha talks about it in the sense. For the first thing he says is both formally and now, I only teach one thing, and that is dukkha dukkha nirodha. I want to teach one thing, dukkha dukkha nirodha. Okay? In sutta number 12, the lions roar. We have that very, very famous line that even the monks memorize and say, you’ve heard it before it. Okay. Etc. Now that point in that sutta is that the Buddha says, how can anyone believe that just by coming to the Four Noble Truths. The Four Noble Truths, because the Buddha came up with the Four Noble Truths does not necessarily make him a knower of the world, doesn’t make him super duper special or anything. And so the people’s praise for him is misguided.

Anna: Okay?

Dhammarato: The praise for him, the Buddha does not regard that. He disregards it. On the other side, when someone comes to revile him, he does not have any dejection of heart, so there’s no elation. Of heart when somebody reveres him, and no dejection of heart when he is reviled. And then he says, why is that true? Basically because he’s talking about it. It’s happened before. I’ve gotten used to it. And the phrase that I use is “been there, done that” Okay, so when someone is arrogant to you, you could just say to yourself, “oh, been there, done that.” I’ve been around arrogance before. I survived quite well. No need to have dejection of heart because they’re arrogant. No need to have dejection of heart because he’s racist against you. Because how many times throughout your whole life have you been around racist? Why do you have to be critical to them? Why can’t you learn to be nurturing? Because, I mean, after all, it’s not going to stop. There’s no reason to be critical of racist. That’s their, that’s their training. But you can retrain yourself. Instead of being critical of them, you can say, “oh, well, you’re not going to bother me. I’ve been around racists before. Been there, done that.”

Anna: Yeah, well, okay, yeah, you have to.

Dhammarato: Practice this off on your own. You need to go into seclusion and then bring that racist to mind and chuckle and say, “ha ha, you can be racist all you want to and you’re not going to get to me.”

Anna: Okay, that’s interesting. Yeah, very interesting. A new training. Great.

Dhammarato: Yes. This is a deeper training.

Anna: Yeah, very good.

Dhammarato: Go after and give metta to those enemies of yours. We call them enemies, but in fact, they don’t even think that they’re enemies. They’re just being naturally racist.

Anna: So I get the point about telling myself, “I’ve been there, done that.” I can do it again, no problem. Problem. Because it, it relieve, it relieve my mind and it relieved the anger. But I don’t really understand how it would transform into metta. Because when you say you don’t, you.

Dhammarato: Don’T need to with yourself. You nurture yourself when the racist is there and say, he may be racist, but I’m okay, he can’t touch me. I’m all right, not a worry in the world. I feel good, in fact. And after you learn to feel good in the face of the racist in your mind, then you can learn to feel good in the face of the racist in actuality, this is something we have to practice. So go get a racist, go get his photo even and practice. I’m okay, he can’t touch me. He can revile me all he wants and he can’t bother me. He can’t touch me. I’m okay. And so that’s the time you nurture yourself first. And if you get really good at it, you can just nurture him and tease him.

Anna: Yeah, okay.

Dhammarato: Hey, you’re really quite a racist today, aren’t you?

Anna: Okay, yeah, that would be fun. I would love to get there, you know?

Dhammarato: Yeah. Nurture his racism. Wow. I can tell you what. I know where people are that can teach you how to be even a dirtier low class racist than you are now. You’re not even halfway good enough to bother me yet. Okay, okay. So we could play with this. We can coochie coochie coo with this. We can nurture it. So practice well. Yep, practice well. I can handle this. Practice well. This racist can’t get to me.

Anna: Yeah, okay. Yeah. Okay, great.

Dhammarato: I will do that same way with criticism that in fact, criticism and arrogance and racism go hand in hand together. When people are racist, they’re criticizing you for your color. And when they’re arrogant, they’re criticizing you for whatever they can make up.

Anna: Mm, yeah. Oh yeah. Or they’re being arrogant with me because of my color and they don’t even realize that they are.

Dhammarato: And guess what? They cannot destroy your joy when it’s well practiced.

Anna: Mm. Mm. Okay. Okay. I guess that’s something that is. That has to be practiced. So.

Dhammarato: It is something that has to be practiced. Why? Because you’re well skilled at getting critical. So now practice to become well skilled at nurturing yourself so that you don’t have any dejection of heart when they criticize or revile you.

Anna: Okay.

Dhammarato: Hey, I’ve been there, done that. I’ve had worse than you.

Anna: Okay?

Dhammarato: Wow. I’ve had people so critical that they really made me feel bad. And here I am joking with you. You’re not a very skilled racist. You. I give you a C minus for your arrogance. You’re not nearly as arrogant as some of the people I’ve seen before.

Anna: Yeah, I would love to get there.

Dhammarato: Well, practice. Yeah, yeah, Practice. Yeah, yeah. That’s what you do is you practice. You practice listening to them criticize you and you say, haha, you can’t get to me. You’re not going to make me feel bad. I’ve been criticized before and I can handle it again.

Anna: Okay, I. I didn’t really get what you said about the Sutta of Etpiso and the fact that the Buddha didn’t like.

Dhammarato: Yes, it’s in sutta number 12. I invite you to read it carefully where he says, how can people get the Four Noble Truths and And believe this about me, because that’s all noble truths. He does not. He does not teach that he’s a seer of the world. He does not teach that he’s a trainer of all people, Davis. And. And men. He doesn’t claim that. He only claims that he teaches just one thing, and that’s the Four Noble Truths.

Anna: Okay, okay.

Dhammarato: Number 12 in the Majima Nikaya, if you want to go look for it.

Anna: Okay.

Dhammarato: Yeah, it’s surprising. It’s really eye opening where the Buddha says that he only teaches the Four Noble Truths. He only teaches dukkha, dukkha nirodha. So how can people get this stuff about him being a God, the knower of the worlds, the trainer of Davies.

Anna: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Yeah, that’s very simple. I love this. And, and, and yeah, about simplicity. Like when I talk, like, thank you to you and Michael to send me friends, you know, I can practice with.

Dhammarato: Yeah, yeah.

Anna: That’s very cool. I mean, this is a very good training and so and so. But usually when I talk to them, I didn’t talk to so much of them, but when I talk to them, it’s like. Like they don’t believe in simplicity. You know, like, they don’t think that it’s. It is so simple that the teachings are so simple. You know, for them, it’s always something very complicated and you have to.

Dhammarato: Okay, well, arrogant people love complication. They love duality. They love one up and one down. And we’re big fans on unity. Everything’s the same. Let’s nurture this because it’s all the same. Then in fact, that one up and one down is where that criticism comes from. The critical parent. The critical mind is caught in duality, and the nurturing is in unity.

Anna: Yeah. When your mind is united, like when your mind is, I don’t know how you say, not concentrated. But what is your word?

Dhammarato: Well, I would use equanimity or samadhi. When the mind is whole. When you. A whole person.

Anna: Yeah.

Dhammarato: When you’re unified in the mind. Yeah.

Anna: Unified. Yeah, when your mind is unified. Like, like. Yeah. Okay. Like you can nurture yourself. Right.

Dhammarato: Mm.

Anna: Okay. So what were you saying? You were saying that the people don’t like simplicity. Arrogant people, they don’t like simplicity. It is based.

Dhammarato: Yeah. They put the Buddha way up high, and he’s teaching people to just be happy, just be natural, Just avoid the dukkha.

Anna: Yeah.

Dhammarato: Rather than being critical.

Anna: Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Okay. And so your teacher was. Was saying that nibbana was available in every moment, right?

Dhammarato: Yes. Bhikkhu Buddhaddasa says, In fact, here’s a book that he’s written. We’ve had it on our website called Nibbana for Everyone. Nirvana for everyone.

Anna: Yeah. People don’t believe in that.

Dhammarato: No. They want to have duality. They want to have special way out there someplace.

Anna: Yes, yes, yes. They don’t. They don’t believe that it’s not enough. Like just being happy in the moment and just repeating, repeating, and repeating is not enough. So I. So when I. When I talk to people, I’m trying to explain and practice, like repeating happiness with them, you know? But yeah. Yeah, okay, I guess. Is it the right way to. To practice with people?

Dhammarato: Yes. Practice being happy even when they are miserable, Even when they want you to be miserable, even when they cross criticize you, even when they’re racist with you. You can still be nurturing to yourself and happy that you don’t show any elation of the heart or the dejection of the heart because of what they’re saying.

Anna: Yeah. Okay.

Dhammarato: That you’re well skilled, you’re well practiced, you’re well rehearsed.

Anna: I see.

Dhammarato: All right, so let’s say that a girl is standing on the street corner playing a violin. Okay. And she’s playing that violin. And down comes on the street a marching band.

Anna: A marching band.

Dhammarato: A marching band. A whole bunch of musicians with great big drums and they’re banging and they’re blowing their horns.

Anna: Okay.

Dhammarato: And that little girl have the presence of mind to keep playing her violin and play her music even though there’s a marching band coming down the street. Okay. Can you continue to play your sweet song even though they’re having a war military march?

Anna: Yes, I can.

Dhammarato: Yes, you can. Yes, you can. Play your sweet tune. Yes, you can. Smile. Even though that bully is there, even though that racist is there, you’re still okay. This needs to be practiced. So you, little girl, take your little violin and you go practice. Practice your joy.

Anna: Mmhmm. Okay.

Dhammarato: All right.

Anna: Okay, perfect.

Dhammarato: Okay, we’ll see you later.

Anna: Bye. Bye. Take care.

Dhammarato: Yes, you go practice.

Overview of This Dhamma Talk

This Dhamma talk centers on the practice of nurturing as opposed to being critical, drawing parallels with early childhood development and parental interactions. It critiques the Western emphasis on “critical thinking” as often morphing into mere criticism. The core message is to cultivate a nurturing attitude towards oneself, others (including those we perceive as enemies), and even our own negative traits or triggering behaviors. This is achieved by consciously choosing to react with acceptance, a kind of self-soothing, and even playful teasing, rather than falling into the default pattern of criticality and negative reactions. The practice involves recognizing the normalcy of “negative” behaviors, acknowledging one’s history of encountering them, and fostering an inner state of equanimity and joy even amidst perceived negativity. Ultimately, it aims to achieve liberation from the reactive cycle of criticality by fostering a deep, self-nurturing awareness. The talk emphasizes practical exercises to train the mind towards this state of non-reactive joy, in line with the Buddhist teachings.

Outline of this Dhamma Talk

• [0:00-0:15] Introduction & Defining “Nurturing”:

  • The talk begins by questioning the origins of self-nurturing. The speaker transitions to using the term “nurturing” within the framework of Eric Berne’s concept of “parent ego states”.
  • Key Concept: Nurturing (as opposed to critical) is being defined outside of traditional Buddhist frameworks.

• [0:16-2:26] Nurturing vs. Critical Parent (Childhood Development):

  • The speaker uses the analogy of a mother-child relationship, specifically bonding and the early phases after birth to exemplify nurturing behavior.
  • Analogy: Early maternal care represents an ideal of nurturing, lost as the child begins to establish independence (“terrible twos”).
  • Key Concept: The “critical parent” arises when the mother shifts from unconditional acceptance to needing to socialize and correct the child.
  • Explanation: This shift from nurturing to critical is described as a norm in Western culture, impacting how people treat themselves and others.

• [2:27-3:19] The Impact of Criticality and Lack of Nurturing:

  • The talk points out the universal desire to be loved and accepted unconditionally.
  • Key Concept: Lack of nurturing in childhood leads to a critical self-view, where individuals treat themselves as their own critical parents.
  • Explanation: This is presented as a common, dysfunctional pattern, originating from early childhood experiences.

• [3:19-4:35] Nurturing Language & Self-Care:

  • The speaker emphasizes that even self-care language can either be nurturing or critical.
  • Analogy: Nurturing language includes statements like “everything is okay,” “no worries,” similar to how one would speak to an infant.
  • Example: “Take care of yourself” can be critical if infused with a sense of duty, rather than unconditional care.
  • Key Concept: Language shapes inner experience; nurturing language promotes self-acceptance.

• [4:35-5:20] Acceptance & Unconditional Love vs. Conditional Love (Critical):

  • The speaker defines nurturing as acceptance and unconditional love for ourselves.
  • Distinction: Critical love is contrasted as conditional, stemming from the need to conform.
  • Critique of Western Thought: Western emphasis on critical thinking is perceived as overly promoting criticism over nurturing.

• [5:20-6:10] Critical Thinking vs. Criticism:

  • The speaker challenges the concept of “critical thinking”, suggesting that in practice it leads to criticizing.
  • Interpretation: The term “critical” itself is problematic and reinforces an approach of judgment.
  • Analogy: Teasing joyfully is presented as a nurturing approach, contrasted with the critical condemnation of others.

• [6:10-7:05] Triggering and Re-Training:

  • Key Concept: Triggers indicate the activation of a learned critical nature.
  • Distinction: Criticality is portrayed as a learned norm, not a natural human condition.
  • Practical Application: The speaker suggests re-training oneself to be more nurturing, seeing nurturing as more natural.

• [7:05-8:46] Metta Practice & Nurturing Enemies:

  • Metta (Loving Kindness) Interpretation: The speaker contrasts the traditional Vipassana practice of starting metta meditation with a friend vs. their approach of starting with the “enemy”. This suggests a deeper kind of metta.
  • Analogy: The “enemy” is equated with those that trigger criticality.
  • Practical Application: The speaker suggests cultivating nurturing thoughts towards things/people that trigger one’s negative reactions.
  • Specific Terminology: “Anapanasati” (mindfulness of breathing) is suggested as a practice for having “wholesome thoughts” for “unwholesome” things.

• [8:46-9:57] Practice and Mindfulness:

  • Key Concept: The “real meditation” involves the ability to choose a nurturing or critical response with mindfulness.
  • Practical Application: The speaker suggests creating a list of triggers or “worst people” and practicing nurturing towards them.

• [9:57-10:46] Nurturing Behaviors vs. People

  • Practical Application: The speaker introduces the idea of nurturing towards behaviors, not just people, but notes this is a Western idea, much like Christian teachings.
  • Distinction: Love the sinner, hate the sin, is similar to what’s being proposed here, but the speaker will move away from that.

• [10:46-12:34] Normalizing “Bad” Behavior & Loud/Crude Language:

  • Interpretation: “Bad” behavior is reframed as normal, as a result of learned patterns.
  • Practical Application: The practice involves nurturing the perceived “bad” behavior itself, such as loud or crude language.
  • Analogy: Returning to the child and their first “no”, and nurturing this, despite it being “bad” behavior.
  • Key Concept: This approach is framed as a “mental gymnastic,” requiring effort.

• [12:34-13:30] Arrogance and Racism as Triggers:

  • Key Concept: Arrogance and racism are identified as personal triggers.
  • Explanation: The speaker points out that arrogance and racism are often the same, with racism being a specific version based on race/skin color.

• [13:30-14:35] Reframing Triggering Behaviors (Been There, Done That):

  • Analogy: Arrogant or racist people are likened to “little tyrants” who “got away with it” as children.
  • Practical Application: Reacting with “been there, done that” when encountering such behavior, instead of critical judgment.
  • Key Concept: This approach intends to neutralize negative reactions and creates self-soothing.

• [14:35-17:34] sutta 22 & Equanimity (Been There Done That, Continued):

  • Specific Teaching: sutta 22 is referenced where the Buddha teaches just one thing, that is, Dukkha (suffering, unsatisfactoriness). This supports the idea of not being overly attached to the praise or criticisms of the world.
    • Analogy: The speaker uses his personal history with bullies as an example of getting used to negative behaviors.
    • Interpretation: Buddha’s equanimity to praise and criticism stems from recognizing their impermanence and history.
  • Key Concept: “Dejection of heart” (emotional upset) from others’ actions should be overcome by this equanimity.
    • Practical Application: The “been there, done that” approach is presented as a way to detach from criticism and racist attitudes.
  • Interpretation: Racism, criticism, etc. are just forms of “training” that can be seen with equanimity.

• [17:34-18:35] Seclusion & Practice:

  • Practical Application: Going into seclusion to practice nurturing towards “racists” or other triggers, as an active technique.

• [18:35-20:22] Applying Nurturing to the Self:

  • Practical Application: Practice nurturing the self (your reactions) in the face of triggers, first.
  • Explanation: Once there is self-nurturing in mind, then you can nurture others that do harm or are “bad” - and even tease them.
  • Example: Nurturing the racism of a racist person, playfully.

• [20:22-21:29] Criticism, Arrogance, and Racism Linked:

  • Key Concept: These behaviors are interconnected; racist people are criticizing on the basis of color, and arrogant people do it on other grounds.
  • Key Concept: Once well-practiced in nurturing, this means that other people’s racist actions or arrogant actions cannot destroy our joy.

• [21:29-22:45] Skill & Practice:

  • Practical Application: Emphasizes the need for consistent practice to become skilled at nurturing, as it is not a natural process.
  • Analogy: Nurturing becomes the new “skill”, instead of criticality.
  • Practical Application: “I’ve been there done that” is reframed as “I’ve had worse than you,” demonstrating the equanimity needed to not have a “dejection of heart”.

• [22:45-23:44] Applying Playfulness to Practice

  • Practical Application: Continues emphasizing the need for playful practice in the face of criticism and negativity.
    • Interpretation: The “C minus” approach to a racist person’s actions, reframes them as unskilled. This helps create a humorous tone that is nurturing.

• [23:44-24:41] sutta 12 & the Four Noble Truths:

  • Specific Teaching: The speaker clarifies his earlier mention of sutta 12 and its importance in the teachings.
  • Specific Teaching: He notes the Buddha only teaches Dukkha, the Four Noble Truths, and not that he is a seer of the world or a trainer of Gods and humans.
  • Interpretation: The speaker uses this to emphasize that the Buddha only focuses on liberating from suffering, not self-aggrandizement.
  • Key Concept: This point is used to challenge overcomplication in spiritual practice and encourages an approach of simplicity.

• [24:41-26:21] Simplicity, Duality and Unity

  • Interpretation: Simplicity is the practice and the goal, while arrogant and critical people overcomplicate spirituality.
    • Key Concept: Arrogant people “love duality”, while this practice is about “unity”.
  • Interpretation: Nurturing is a state of unity and the critic is in a state of duality.
  • Specific Terminology: The speaker is looking for a term for “unified”, so he is given equanimity or samati.

• [26:21-27:21] Arrogance and Simplicity (Nurturing)

  • Key Concept: Arrogant people do not like simplicity in spiritual practices.
  • Interpretation: Arrogant people put the Buddha on a pedestal, instead of seeing him as teaching a way to be happy naturally and avoid duality.
  • Specific Terminology: The speaker reinforces the meaning of “duality” and the need to not be critical.

• [27:21-28:29] Nibbana (Nirvana) Is Here Now (Simplicity)

  • Interpretation: The teacher reinforces that “Nibbana is available in every moment”, as one of their teachers also teaches in their teachings (referring to a book on the website).
  • Interpretation: People do not believe in that, and want an overly complicated special way out.
  • Practical Application: The speaker highlights the value of repeating happiness, and the need to practice with people.

• [28:29-29:05] Practical Application: Happiness in the Face of Misery

  • Practical Application: Continue practicing happiness and being nurturing to oneself in the face of external negativity, racism, or criticism.

• [29:05-30:42] Analogy: Girl Playing Violin with Marching Band

  • Analogy: A girl on the street playing a violin, with a marching band coming through - the girl continues her sweet song. This highlights the need for consistency and not getting disturbed by outside noises.
  • Practical Application: The listener must practice this joy, continue the practices, and continue to be nurturing to themselves.

Precise use of terms and translations

• Nurturing vs. Critical: These terms are used in the context of developmental psychology rather than traditional Buddhist definitions, although they align with similar concepts in Buddhism such as metta and non-judgment.
• Dukkha: The speaker uses these in a simple manner, without all the traditional nuances in Buddhist philosophy, which is the intention of the teaching.
• Anapanasati: This is a traditional term referring to mindfulness of breathing, used here to emphasize the need for cultivating wholesome thoughts.
• Equanimity/Samadhi: The speaker uses this to emphasize the quality of a unified mind.
• Nibbana/Nirvana: The speaker uses this as a state of mind that is available in every moment, in line with the philosophy he is sharing.
• Critical Thinking: While a term used in Western education, it is used here to highlight a problem in its common use as a means of criticism.

How to Practice

• Recognizing critical patterns: Individuals are encouraged to identify their inner critic and how it manifests.
• Cultivating nurturing language: A practice of reframing inner dialogue using kind and gentle language, is encouraged.
• Nurturing “enemies”: A specific practice is encouraged of developing metta for those perceived as “enemies,” or those that trigger us, including our “bad” behaviors.
• “Been there, done that”: This mantra is presented as a way to disengage from negative emotional reactions.
• Playfulness & Humor: Teasing and play is a specific tactic to create a more nurturing mindset.
• Practice of joy: This is a specific practice to counter external negativity.
• Specific exercises: Creating a list of triggers or “enemies” and practicing nurturing toward them, is emphasized.

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